Matsumoto Fangirl Counsellor
by hu3long2
Summary: Sequel to Plotting. Renji comes to Matsumoto perturbed about ByaRen and IchiRen fiction.


Title: Matsumoto – Fangirl Counsellor

Characters: Renji, Matsumoto, Hitsugaya (HitsuMatsu)

Rating: T for mature themes

Summary: Sequel to Plotting. Renji, Matsumoto, Hitsugaya and the ties that bind us. Renji has a problem with ByaRen (and IchiRen).

Disclaimer: Own no part of Bleach, not even bleach

A/N Ah, I took so many ideas from so many fics that I'm not even sure which belong to which. If you recognize something and want it acknowledged, please let me know.

Chronologically, this comes before "Matsumoto – Fangirl Reloaded Omake", since Matsumoto and Renji had an altercation in that fic.

This was supposed to be funny and a tribute to the writers of ByaRen (and IchiRen) fics! wails

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At glacial pace, the thin, chiseled lips, bleached by moonlight streaming through the open sliding doors, bore down as tanned hands gripped his head. Closer and closer they came, in the ominous stillness of the night.

"Arrrgh!" The scream rang through the Sixth Division barracks and set the alarms ringing.

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A haggard-looking Renji paused at the entrance to the Tenth Division office. His hand repeatedly half-rose towards the door, then lowered again.

"What is it, Abarai? Come in and stop loitering!" An irritated voice snapped inside the office. Visibly squaring his shoulders, Renji pushed open the door and stepped in, nodding gingerly at Hitsugaya.

"Pardon, Hitsugaya Taichou, may I speak with Matsumoto?" His voice was ragged. Hitsugaya waved a hand at the couch as Matumoto raised herself on her elbows and took a closer look at Renji. "You aren't looking too good, Abarai-kun. Kuchiki Taichou working you too hard?" A snort came from the direction of Hitsugaya's desk.

At the mention of Kuchiki Byakuya, Renji visibly cringed. Hitsugaya's eyebrows inched up and a faintly thoughtful look crossed his features. Renji's distress did not pass unnoticed by Matsumoto either, and she patted the seat next to her. "Take a seat, Abarai-kun. Tell Ran-chan why you're so twitchy."

Renji barely took umbrage at the word "twitchy". This time, Matsumoto's brows went up too. Renji tended to get defensive at any hint that he might be feeling unsettled. Yet all he did was to glance at Hitsugaya out of the corner of his eye, then look at Matsumoto somewhat shamefacedly and mumble, "Can I talk to you alone?"

Matsumoto clasped her hands to her ample bosom and gasped in mock shock, "Oh, Abarai-kin, I never suspected!" An irate "Clown!" followed her words. Renji twitched, red-faced.

"It's not that! I just need to talk to you about… about… and Hitsugaya Taichou said that you were a… a…" Renji spluttered to a close. Matsumoto looked inquiringly at Hitsugaya.

"Perhaps Abarai is referring to the inner world incident that occurred a fortnight ago, where he received some rather disturbing information about himself." Hitsugaya's voice was deadpan.

"It's not about myself!" Renji protested immediately. "It's those… it's those people out there and their so-called stories about me!"

Matsumoto's brow cleared in enlightenment. "Oh, you're talking about the time Taichou and you were forced into the inner world of some rabid and impudent scribbler!"

Renji looked confused. "What's that scribbler thing? Doesn't sound like you, Matsumoto."

"Oh," she replied airily. "Those were Taichou's words." She grinned at Hitsugaya. "See, Taichou, I do listen to you!" He grunted.

"Matsumoto…" Renji began. He gestured at the door with his hands. "I really need…"

"You want to ask me about those stories about you that the scribbler mentioned, yes? I think we should really stay in here, Abarai-kun, and get a male perspective on this. Besides, I tell Taichou everything anyway."

Hitsugaya looked longingly at his unfinished paperwork. He could throw Matusomoto out of the office, but long experience told him that her retelling would come at the most inopportune moment. Besides, Hyourinmaru, who had a sixth sense for drama, was awake and expectant in his mind. He was a spectator _par excellence_, and he always demanded a front row seat.

He steepled his fingers together. "Ignore me, Abarai," he said, in his driest and most precise voice, while glaring at Matsumoto, daring her to make the obvious comment about his size. Wisely, she restrained herself, though one lid dropped in a quick wink unnoticed by Abarai. "Hmmmph."

Renji looked highly uncomfortable, but allowed himself to be dragged down to the couch. At this point, his need for advice and _sleep_ far outweighed any embarrassment he could feel. Perhaps telling himself repeatedly that this was just like a mental health consultation would suppress his qualms. Mentally girding his loins, he prepared himself to face Matsumoto.

Matsumoto had engaged her most serious "Nanao" face. "Now, Abarai-kun," she began, "Based on Taichou's account, I gather that you are disturbed that people in the living world are writing stories about you, particularly stories in which you have a personal relationship with Kuchiki Taichou or Ichigo."

Renji reddened and gripped his hakama with both hands. "It's not merely a _personal_ relationship, Matsumoto. Taichou and I, we have our ups and downs, but we work well together. Ichigo—he's probably one of my best friends, though we mayn't seem like it."

"Particularly not if we've seen you yelling into each other's faces." Hitsugaya muttered.

"But these stories…" Renji's cheeks turned purple.

Matsumoto relented. One could only take teasing so far, after all. "There are friendship stories, but the stories you have in mind imply more." Renji shot her a grateful glance. There were some things he was just not ready to verbalize. "But Abarai-kun, why are you so bothered by all this?"

Renji's hands dug deeper into his thighs. "These stories talk about things that don't exist!"

Matsumoto's lips lifted at the corners. "Isn't that what these stories are supposed to be about? They are fiction, after all."

"Yes, but why do they have to be about me, and _them_? Doing _that_? What's wrong with me?" His fists slammed against the back of the couch.

"Abarai-kun, it just means that you're interesting to these people and that they're thinking about you and want to figure out more about you. That's one reason why they write. Personally, I try to take it as a tribute when people write about me."

"Not everyone is an exhibitionist, Matsumoto," interjected Hitsugaya witheringly. "And Abarai obviously does not find this flattering."

"But Taichou, Abarai-kun, they don't always say the nicest things about me. In fact some descriptions are downright rude! I believe I've been likened to certain farm animals, and my twins abused, in order to build up other characters in some stories. But the Abarai stories are usually quite sympathetic to him, and tend to treat him quite well. Or if they don't, then someone is always the villain for making him suffer and readers want to rail against him. As for the kind of pairing stories you're talking about, I've come to take them in my stride. After all, they're frequently about friendship turning into love." Renji's frown had deepened, but he was listening intently and no longer worrying his hakama. "In fact, I think the ones about Orihime and me, or Nanao and me, are rather cute."

"Shut up!" Renji and Matsumoto looked at Hitsugaya with a start. A faint flush traced its way across his cheekbones. "Not you two. Hyourinmaru."

Renji looked discomfited. "He's listening in, as well?"

"Isn't Zabimaru?" Matsumoto was surprised.

"Nah, he said he doesn't want to know, to wake him when I got my head screwed on right again. " Pause. "Wait, that means Haineko's here as well!" Matsumoto nodded and concentrated briefly. According to Haineko, she was sharing popcorn with Hyourinmaru. "She's here, but don't worry, she's very discreet. So's Hyourinmaru. Right, Taichou?" Hitsugaya scowled. Hyourinmaru's not so discreet laughter was giving him a headache.

Matsumoto turned back to Renji. "Abarai-kun, do you remember the gossip when you became fukutaichou of the Sixth? All the things they said?"

Renji sat up, alert and wary. "Ya. Stray dog from Rukongai, who let him in? Kuchiki Taichou sure has a thing for strays, doesn't he? He was just lucky. Blah, blah, blah."

"Were they right?" For a moment, Renji looked startled, then his customary, sharp-edged grin flashed across his face. "Perhaps you should ask Zabimaru that. And Kuchiki Taichou, he doesn't suffer incompetence. Hah, does he ever tell a person off!"

"And you've heard the stories about me, I'll bet. How I've used my body to sleep my way to the top, that I'm a bimbo and a nympho. That I latched onto Kyouraku Taichou for his influence and protection. How I had one foot in the other camp through my relationship with Gin." She ignored Hitsugaya's "Matsumoto…" "What do you think?"

Renji collected his thoughts. Hitsugaya was glaring at him, daring him to put a foot wrong. And Matsumoto was a friend. "You know, Matsumoto, I always figured that you were one of the strongest fukutaichous, since you were so infamous for drinking and avoiding paperwork. That body might have worked for you initially, but it seems to me that as you went higher, every superior officer would have to work harder to justify the promotions. At fukutaichou level, there's no messing about, especially with our non-noble backgrounds. We're combat units, for goodness sake, not REMFs! Besides," he added shrewdly, "if Haineko is so present to you, you probably have a lot more power than I ever suspected." His grin sharpened at Matsumoto's disconcerted look. She had not thought that he would notice that, had she? "And you and Kyouraku Taichou are the only people I know who can drink everyone else under the table. To me, that's good enough a reason for friendship. As for the other," his voice lowered, "we were all betrayed." A heavy silence descended.

To Renji's surprise, it was Hitsugaya who spoke first. "Thank you, Abarai, for not betraying Matsumoto's trust." Renji nodded awkwardly as Hitsugaya continued, "Do you understand what Matsumoto is trying to say?"

"Yes, Hitsugaya Taichou. We can't stop stories, not matter what, not here, not there." Renji reddened again.

"I didn't quite mean that, Abarai-kun, though it's true. Now, listen up. The gossip following us all these years has been malicious and ill-intentioned. And this is in our real lives and from people who know us. These stories from the living world are by people who don't really know us, but are kindly disposed towards us. Perhaps they want to have a little fun with us, but not usually in any bad way, and they often set things right. They are our fans, and are rooting for us. Don't you think this is a much gentler, more superior form of gossip?"

"That's one way to put it," commented Hitsugaya wryly. "I prefer the phrase 'perverted voyeurs'."

"That's because you don't have a romantic bone in your body, Taichou."

"But they're writing about private things!" Renji protested hotly. "And it bothers me. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in two weeks. I've been having nightmares for the last week. First time that happened, they sounded the alarm! The men have started looking at me strange, and Rikichi is fussing worse than he did when I went up against Taichou! As for Taichou, I can't even look at him nowadays!"

"Pity that," sighed Matsumoto. "He's such looker, on any day! That man just can't have a bad hair day."

"Be serious, will you? I'm sinking here!"

"Should I be hearing this?"

"Don't worry Taichou, you're still my favourite taichou after all!"

"I had better be," murmured Hitsugaya sotto voce. Next to his ear, Hyourinmaru whuffed in amused agreement.

"Seriously, Abarai-kun. Information wants to be free, and nothing you say is going to stop these stories. The Internet is an almost infinite and still expanding realm, and even as we speak, someone is probably completing a story about Kuchiki Taichou tying you up in leather, or you and Ichigo wrestling your way through the Kama Sutra, or you, ah, how do I say this? Alone with yourself thinking very nice thoughts of one or the other."

"What?" Renji jumped up in panic. "They're that specific?"

Hitsugaya snorted. "How did you think it was, Abarai? Holding hands in the moonlight? Then having the curtains come down as you kissed, leaving the rest to our imagination?" In his mind, Hyourinmaru was rollicking with laughter.

Renji drooped, looking wretched. "So the nightmares were accurate, after all." Matsumoto's ears perked up. "Accurate?" she asked carefully. "Yeah," replied Renji absently, "it always starts with me opening a book, then I get sucked into its pages, and somehow I'm in bed, but one of them is always there, sometimes the two…" He abruptly stopped in horror, clutching his hair.

"Then you wake up screaming," continued Matsumoto. And she smiled saucily. "Well, I hope it was the good kind of screaming then, Abarai-kun."

"Matsumoto!"

"Funny, you sounded just like Taichou there." Hitsugaya growled. "Abarai-kun, you know, there are indeed stories of you in a threesome with Kuchiki Taichou and Ichigo. Strange that you should dream of that too." Renji paled. "Don't worry, some stories are without doubt purely, explicitly and unabashedly sexual in nature, but there are also beautiful explorations of the nature of love, mutuality and need." Renji's expression said that Matsumoto did not get the point.

"But why?" If a man of Renji's height and appearance could look lost, then Renji did.

Matsumoto considered his question with care. "As I told Taichou before, I think it's all about access and compatibility."

"Access and compatibility?" Renji echoed. He certainly had access—he was fukutaichou to Kuchiki Byakuya's taichou, and he was also the senior officer usually sent to the living world to liaise with Ichigo and the others. But compatibility? He got on well enough with the both of them, he supposed.

Matsumoto nodded. "I am going to be very frank here, Abarai-kun. Can you accept that?" Renji shrugged, then tipped his head forward. He did not really have much choice if he hoped to sleep sometime in the next decade, or have Zabimaru ever speak to him again.

"Let us begin with Kuchiki Taichou and Abarai-kun. To fans of this pairing, it is a matter of contrasts. There is the noble-commoner difference. Then, more metaphorically, Kuchiki Taichou is like the moon, and while the terms stray dog and monkey trying to reach the moon are frequently used for Abarai-kun, and various fans argue over how accurate or inaccurate that analogy is, another set of fics compares you to the sun. Both your physical appearances bear out the contrast. The colour of your hair and eyes, warm and fiery like the sun and summer, his wintry eyes, pale moonlight complexion and night black hair.

Next, your temperaments. You're brash, impulsive, loud, arrogant and aggressive. He's calm, almost cold, controlled, measured and proud. For the fans, you complement and ground each other. In the fics, you teach him that it's fine to feel and express emotion, and he gives you stability and a sense of belonging. It's a marriage made in Heaven—and yes," in response to Renji's incredulous look, "in some fics, you marry and even have children. Sometimes, he carries the baby, sometimes you do.

But most important of all is this—Abarai-kun, you know you've always had an emotional connection to him, ever since Rukia became his sister. You were terrified, awestruck and resentful, and ever since then, you've measured your achievements by his. I suspect that at times, you almost hate him. This was probably true during Rukia's imprisonment, because he betrayed not only her, but also you by not taking care of the last of the family he had taken away from you. But that time, he redeemed himself, and perhaps, in an indirect way, you also owe your early bankai to him, because the great need of the moment drove you to it.

Since then, you have been working closely with him, and the early awe has transformed into a more rational respect. Also, you are now aware that there are many measures of power, though you still take him as your standard. On his part, he has fully accepted you as his fukutaichou, and has also consistently supported your actions since the whole business of Ichigo's intrusion was resolved. I presume that the both of you managed to achieve some balance of loyalty, trust and understanding during the time you spent at his sickbed.

With such an emotional history with him, it is almost inevitable that your fans will take that and read love and desire into it—you know what they say about the flipside of hate. They also argue that such emotion can hardly leave him untouched on his part, that a connection was created the moment he threatened you with his reiatsu to keep you away from Rukia. Now that Rukia has reentered your life, that is one hurt eased, while the three of you are tied together by even more complex bonds. So I ask you now, Abarai Renji, what is Kuchiki Byakuya to you?"

Renji blinked, dazed. "Are you saying, Matsumoto, that I should be in love with my taichou?"

Matsumoto gave an exasperated sigh. "No, Abarai-kun. I'm saying that there are stories written about you and Kuchiki Taichou because you have had quite a history together, and that it can interpreted in many different ways. It may be that distance lends perspective and they are seeing something that we haven't from sheer proximity, or it may be wishful thinking on their part, in that they are forcing their perceptions of us to go where we would never intend to ourselves. However, unless you figure out where you stand in your own mind, you cannot deal with the nightmares."

Renji absorbed her words, then sighed gustily. He looked over at Hitsugaya, who was listening impassively, his arms folded across his chest. "Is she always this terrifying, Hitsugaya Taichou?"

"Matsumoto is my fukutaichou, Abarai."

Mastumoto leaned back against the couch, a humourous pout on her face. "You can't go around saying I'm terrifying, Taichou! No one's going to drink with me anymore!"

A white brow inclined upwards. "You're a terrifying drunk, Matsumoto. Remember the time I had to bail you out because you trashed the Eleventh's favourite drinking hole?"

Renji gaped with astonishment. "That was you? Ikkaku couldn't walk for a day, and it took Yumichika three months to grow back his hair. They never knew what hit them."

"But Taichou, they wouldn't let me drink there because I was female. Haineko was mad too, weren't you, Hai-kitty?" Protest registered, Matsumoto returned her attention to Renji, half-amused and half-solemn. "Do you want me to discuss the IchiRen pairing now, Abarai-kun?"

Renji hastily shook his hands in front of him. "No, I get it now. I can't stop the stories, but I just need to get clear in my own mind and I can stop them from bothering me."

"Well, at least to the point of giving you nightmares."

Renji contemplated her statement. "Do you read many of them, Matsumoto? All these stories and all these people peering and poking their noses into our lives." An indignant note had entered his voice.

"Relax, Abarai-kun." Matsomoto tapped her cheek thoughtfully. "I must say that these stories can be intrusive, but they can also have very decent plots, and often comment on the events in our lives. There are so many writers, with so many different viewpoints. Sometimes these stories give you an unexpected angle, or teach you to look at different sides of an issue, to speculate on possibilities."

"And sometimes," continued Matsumoto, her voice almost harsh in contrast to her usual rich and mellifluous tones, "we read stories about ourselves to learn more about ourselves." Again, there was no sound in the room while its occupants turned over her words in their minds.

After several long minutes, Renji got up, and bowed to Matsumoto. "Thank you, Matsumoto, Hitsugaya Taichou, for your time and advice. I won't disturb you anymore." Then his voice lost its formal tone. "We still on for drinks tomorrow, Matsumoto?" She nodded. Hitsugaya frowned.

On his way out, Renji turned back to the occupants of the room. "I wish Taichou and me were more like you," he said, almost wistfully. "There's just something about this office, you know?"

"Thank you, Abarai," replied Hitsugaya gravely, "we will take that as a compliment." Renji nodded and closed the door.

Matsumoto leaned against the back of the couch, her head propped on her arms, eyes now sparkling with laughter. "If only he knew, huh, Taichou?" He smirked briefly and made a light scoffing noise. There was a long silence in the room, which was broken by a question.

"You and Orihime, huh?"

"I promise to let you read them someday, Taichou."

Omake 1

"Hey Matumoto, do you have any of those stories with me and Rukia?"

"Whatever for, Abarai-kun?"

"I thought I would like some tips on wooing Rukia, you know."

"I'm afraid I can't help you there—Rukia might recognize the stories. She's a huge fan, especially of those stories with you and her Nii-sama."

"… …"

"Read, and explore the possibilities."

"That from some story, Matsumoto? Sounds like a library poster we saw in Karakura. What are you giving me now?"

"The latest ByaRen—hot off the press! Rukia had the highest praise for it!"

"I really hate you sometimes, Matsumoto."

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Omake 2

"Taichou, I think we need to get a copier soon. I can't keep sneaking over to have Nemu replicate these."

"One of these days, you're going to get caught, Matsumoto."

"Soul Society has no laws protecting intellectual property, Taichou. There is no copyright violation going on here."

Hitsugaya sighed and turned back to his ever-present paperwork. There she sat—Matsumoto Rangiku— purveyor of fine BL fanwork to Seireitei since 2007.

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The End

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Thank you for your attention. I think the pacing is off, but I couldn't bear to cut anything and make it reach the climax quicker! And the figurative horse got away from me and it became unfunny! wails and bangs head against wall


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